Wading Through the Muck that is Myself

If you visited my last couple posts on my ComplementaryThoughts blog, you know that I’ve talked about self-image. I’ve been honest about my struggles with my own self-image—that I tend to see only my inadequacies. That’s something I constantly work on. But God never gives up on me and for that I am grateful.

My story today comes in that vein.

As an elementary and middle school educator, I see almost 400 different students during the course of one week. I see smiles and tears, joyful giggles and skinned knees. And I see love. Lots of love.

Last week a sweet kindergartener approached me during class and asked the following question. “Mrs. Oakes, can I come to your house?”

In my head, I had already formed the answer, “Uh…no.”

Before I could say it out loud, she followed up, “…And feed you whatever I want?”

Again. Uh…no.

Instead of seeing her dancing eyes, I focused on myself. Ugh. I thought, “Do I look that old that someone has to feed me?” And, “Since I’m still bald after three years, do I look that sick that someone needs to feed me?”

I somehow recovered to paste a smile on my face and pat her head. “Not right now,” I answered.

When I got home and relayed the story, my family asked what the sweet little girl wanted to feed me. I realized that I totally allowed my perceived inadequacies to get in the way of something bigger—relationship. So the next day I asked my kindergarten caretaker what she would feed me if she had the chance.

“Cheese crackers, of course. They’re my favorite!” Her eyes sparkled and danced with delight.

In that moment I recognized once again, it wasn’t about me. This beautiful soul didn’t think I was old or feeble, she wanted to share her favorite thing with me. That’s how much I mean to her.

The question remains: When will I get out of my own way? When will I stop wading through the muck called "self?" Probably not until I change how I see myself. So I guess I better keep chipping away at that problem. Again, I am grateful that God is patient with me!

And while the answer is still “no” on students coming to my house, maybe I’ll buy some cheese crackers and share recess with a kindergartner.

Keep chipping away, God. I’ll get there someday.

I know we all struggle with something. Just know you’re not alone.